


The Worlds We Knew

by fumiko6



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Christmas, F/F, Fluff, Loneliness, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, Post-Canon, honestly just posting here for completeness's sake
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2020-03-08 23:24:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18904777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fumiko6/pseuds/fumiko6
Summary: Maki has moved to America to attend grad school, and she thought that she would be spending her first Christmas in America alone in her bedroom. But life has other ideas...Originally posted on ff.net in 2016.





	1. Christmas in America

It was the last place where Nishikino Maki expected to spend Christmas.  
  
"Sorry we can't see the stars," she said. "If this keeps up we might not even see the sunrise."  
  
"Oh, that's perfectly fine! It's enough to just be here with you."  
  
Maki and her old high school friend Minami Kotori sat on the damp dirt, in a clearing on the top of a hill. There was a lake in front of them, and more hills beyond that, but they appeared only as subtle shadows in the night. Lonely streetlights followed the snaking road beneath them, the only lights to be seen. The sounds of the breeze had long since replaced the sounds of cars and crowds. They must have both been hungry, thirsty, and tired, but only Maki had complained. Why did the girl next to her have to be so perfect, Maki thought. Too good for someone like her.  


* * *

 

Nishikino Maki's first Christmas Eve in America was spent huddling in her room. The party downstairs was loud, rowdy, quintessentially American in every way. Sounds of laughter and glasses clinking and shouts filtered to the second floor, becoming dim and muffled as they reached Maki's ears. Things could be worse, Maki thought. Things could always be worse.  
  
She had just finished the first semester of grad school, and it could have gone better. For example, she could have had a GPA that didn't put her just above the probation cutoff. She could have spoken more than once with her rotation advisor. She could have actually tried to make friends with the other students in her program instead of keeping up her stuck up bitch act all the time. Still, as always, things could have been worse.  
  
Being pampered by her super rich parents for twenty years hadn't prepared her for the real world. Or even the relatively surreal world of grad school. It turned out that even their love and patience for her wasn't unlimited. And her friends? They all traveled on their separate paths through life, chasing after their own dreams like they always promised. Maki was alone, all by herself in a strange country, without any friends to speak of, without any place to call home. But, it could have been worse, she supposed.  
  
It was cold in her room, on the second floor of an old, decrepit, and overpriced townhouse that probably wouldn't survive the next earthquake. The sounds of the revelers downstairs were getting more and more annoying. Exaggerated words. More laughter. Why were they always laughing so much? Didn't they know how annoying it was? Of course, they probably had little to no idea of her existence. Maki grabbed her earbuds and plugged them into her phone. Wait... a message? Probably an advertisement.  
  
"Hi Maki! Sorry about the surprise - I'll be at the Berkeley BART station in 20 minutes. Hope to see you there - Kotori"  
  
She stared at the message for a few seconds, searing it into her eyes as if it could disappear forever at any moment. Was this even real? Wasn' Kotori in Los Angeles? Was this a prank? No, Kotori wouldn't do pranks, right? How did she even find out where Maki was? Oh right, Facebook. Kotori was in Los Angeles, Maki remembered, pursuing her dreams of fashion design or something like that. But why would she come all the way here, of all places? It wasn't the time to be wondering about that. Maki typed a quick "okay" and put on her jeans and jacket. She headed downstairs, awkwardly avoiding the guests, and quietly walked out a back door.  
  
It was a 15 minute walk to the Downtown Berkeley BART Station. Packs of undergraduates prowled the sidewalks, gawking at the gaudy decorations, laughing amongst themselves. The night was cool and the stars were hidden by the clouds. Maki walked quickly even though she was early, stepping around groups of drunk students and the ever-present homeless. She waited for at least five minutes before Kotori emerged from the escalators. As she saw the other girl emerge, Maki's past came crashing back to her, the memories she both cherished and wanted to discard.  
  
"Sorry for suddenly imposing on you!" Kotori's smile made Maki want to melt away in shame. "Did I interrupt anything?"  
  
"Oh, um, my roommates were having a party but it's no problem at all..." Maki looked away and twirled her hair. "Anyway, why did you come here?"  
  
"I'm visiting an acquaintance tomorrow, and I thought I'd just stop by to see you! How are you doing?"  
  
"Oh, I'm, well, it could be a lot worse. I'm in grad school now and it's going great. I'm training to become a scientist."  
  
"Wow! That's wonderful!" Kotori still smiled, but Maki felt that she saw right through her. "I forgot, what are you studying exactly?"  
  
"Molecular and cell biology." Somehow saying these words gave Maki a burst of pride.  
  
"That sounds hard. You're as amazing as always."  
  
"Um, it's really not that hard... So anyway, what did you want to do here?"  
  
"That's up to you! Are there any places around here that are interesting?"  
  
"Oh, um,... " What was there to do in Berkeley? Most of the stores were probably closed. They could always go to San Francisco but that had the same problem. Maki took out her phone and looked at the map, and had an idea. This had to be the worst idea she ever had, but it was Christmas Eve and she was lonely and sad and there was an old friend who would go anywhere she asked and she'd always wanted to do something like this really bad.  
  
"Do you want to go on an adventure? Like, in the wilderness?" Well, not really the real wilderness. As much wilderness as you'd get in a few miles, anyway.  
  
"That sounds fun! Do we need anything first?"  
  
"Yeah. We have to first get some food and water, and we'll also need flashlights and warm clothes. Are you fine in all that? If not I'll get you my clothes. Also are your shoes good for walking? Huh, I guess they are."  
  
"Oh, I think my clothes will be fine. Just lead the way."  
  
They stopped at a convenience store to buy some bottled water, food, a couple of flashlights, an umbrella, a tarp and blankets, and so on. For some reason Maki already had her backpack with her (force of habit, maybe). That was convenient. Too bad it used up half her budget for the week; she still wasn't used to having to think about money.  
  
Maki had plotted their route on her phone. It would take an hour just to walk up to the park. After that, it would take another hour or so to get to the spot she was looking at. That was shorter than she expected, but it would be uphill the whole way. Once she got to that point, well, they would decide what to do once they got there.  
  
"Okay, so are you ready for this?"  
  
"Of course. What are we waiting for?"  
  
The first part of the trip stayed in the city. After bypassing campus, it was all uphill, through winding streets and staircases in the backyards of little houses perched on the hill. Their paths were illuminated by the lights and Christmas decorations that covered the houses. Occasionally Kotori would pull Maki aside and tell her to look at a house that was particularly nicely decorated. Inflatable snowmen and santas and reindeer, imagining a winter in a place that never snowed. Strings of lights like icicles, draped over eaves and wrapped around trees, colored red and green and blue and white. Yellow lights from the inside, illuminating echoes of warm voices and laughter. Maki was a little surprised that no one came out of their houses to question the strangers going through their property.  
  
Maki hadn't forgotten that Kotori was bad at saying no. Maybe that was why she was indulging her ridiculous plan. Maybe that was why she was following her into the middle of the mountains on Christmas Eve instead of spending time with her actual friends and family.  
  
"Hey. Do you think this is fun?", Maki paused to ask.  
  
Kotori smiled. "Yes, of course! I haven't done anything like this before."  
  
She always smiled. Maki almost never smiled.  
  
"Okay, um, that's nice," Maki replied noncommittally.  
  
Maki was already getting exhausted, and they hadn't even walked for an hour yet. She hadn't kept up with exercise during college and grad school.  
  
"Oh, look behind you! It's beautiful! Let's take a picture here!"  
  
Maki turned around and saw the city of Berkeley stretched out beneath them, a field of light leading to the jet-black sea. It was a night without fog, and in the distance she could see the lights of San Francisco like an island of stars stolen from the sky. She turned back, and saw Kotori with her phone out.  
  
"Smile, Maki!"  
  
"Isn't it too dark to take pictures?" That didn't stop Kotori from clicking what seemed like a dozen times on her phone.  
  
"Come on, let's take one together!" As Kotori put her arm around Maki, she almost recoiled. It had been so long since she was this close to another person, at least since she had arrived in America.  
  
"Ow, don't flash! You're not going to get the background! And my eyes hurt." Maki rubbed her eyes, and felt the drip of tears.  
  
"Oh, sorry! But look, the pictures look great!" Even through her blurry vision, Maki could see that they did. The background was clear, the lights in the distance all visible. Her grimace was par for the course.  
  
She felt a little less tired. They continued onward, until they lost of the city, disappeared beyond a ridge. As the road continued, there was the entrance sign to the park, and there seemed to be nothing behind or in front of them but forest. It was dark, and there were no streetlights.  
  
"Maki, I know I should have asked before, but where are we going? This place seems a bit scary."  
  
"Huh? Well, let me check... huh, my phone must be dead. Whatever, it shouldn't be that hard to find the place. Just follow this road." Yes, she remembered the map clearly. They just had to take a left at the next fork, and then keep going, right?  
  
"Okay, but can we hold hands so we don't lose each other?"  
  
"Aaaaah! Don't do that so suddenly!" Maki felt Kotori's bare hands on hers. Wasn't she wearing gloves earlier? Kotori just laughed softly.  
  
They started trudging onwards on the road through the forest, the path illuminated only by their flashlights. The sky was overcast, which was a shame. The stars would have been so beautiful, here where there were no lights from the city to be seen.  
  
"Do you think there are bears or wolves here?", Kotori asked.  
  
"No, of course not. This is basically the middle of a city." Maki remembered the very specific warnings about mountain lions in the brochures. Best not to bring that up.  
  
The road was gently rising and falling, winding around hills and ridges, always surrounded on both sides by what must have been thick layers of vegetation. In a horror movie the ominous music would have started right about then, but in reality it was more boring than anything else, since there was nothing but the darkness around them. As they walked Maki's mind started to wander. She thought of the last time she had done something like this. Probably back in high school, when their school idol group was still together, at her family's place. Part of her wished that she could forget that time, forget that she had ever experienced happiness and friendship, so that she would have never felt the pain of her old friendships slowly fading away. She silently yelled at herself for feeling something so ridiculous.  
  
By the time they arrived at the fork she was already getting tired again. Still she carried on. For Kotori's sake she had to pretend to know what was going on.  
  
"Are we supposed to turn left here?"  
  
"Yes, left." Kotori was still holding Maki's hand as they turned and started down the road.  
  
"I didn't know there was a place like this so close to the city," Kotori said, pulling Maki closer. "It's really amazing. Have you ever been here before?"  
  
"Well, no. It's my first time too." Maki could feel Kotori's shoulders brushing against hers. "We don't have to be so close together. It's hard to walk like this."  
  
"Aww, alright."  
  
"No, um, you can still hold my hand..."  
  
Kotori chuckled, and took hold of Maki's hand once more. It was beginning to feel less strange, comforting, even. Now they walked in silence. The scenery began to open up. Beyond the grassy hills the horizon faintly glowed with the lights of the cities beyond. It was still too hard to see anything without their flashlights. Once or twice Maki thought she saw eyes glowing in the brush. Perhaps that was just her imagination. Maybe she was already getting dizzy from being tired and hungry - did she even have dinner that night? What did dinner even mean when you got up at 3PM?  
  
"Are you tired, Maki? Should we take a break?" It was as if Kotori could read her mind.  
  
"Yeah, that would be nice."  
  
There was a clearing by the side of the road, where they laid their tarp. Maki pulled the food out of her backpack. They didn't have tomatoes at the convenience store, so she got the next best thing, a big jug of V8 tomato juice. It was heavy; no wonder she was so tired. She opened it and guzzled straight from the jug.  
  
"Is this the only drink we have besides water?"  
  
"Yeah, do you want some?"  
  
Kotori smiled and shook her head. It must have been the 'I think you're a weirdo but it's funny so I'm not going to say anything' smile. "I think I'm just going to eat some snacks."  
  
Maki was hungry. She wolfed down a tuna sandwich with her V8, and a bag of chips. "What? Why are you laughing?"  
  
"Oh, was I laughing? Hehe. The way you eat has changed."  
  
"What do you mean?" Maki shone her flashlight towards Kotori's face.  
  
"Hey, stop that!" Kotori's eyes were closed as she nibbled on a granola bar, her face placid. Why did this girl always have to be so enigmatic, Maki wondered.  
  
She laid down on the tarp and stared at the sky. It was still overcast, but she could still remember where the constellations would be. How long had it been since she had last looked at the stars in earnest?  
  
After they finished eating and packed up, they continued down the road. They walked in silence, with nothing but the sounds of their footsteps. Maki wanted to say something, felt as if the other girl was expecting her to say something to break the stillness of the night. She had to say something, anything at all.  
  
"Um, how are you doing?" She chided herself for asking such a banal question.  
  
"I'm doing pretty well. My job is in costume design so I get to work on all sorts of interesting projects. Working on our costumes from Muse was really helpful."  
  
"Uh, that's great."  
  
"Yeah! You were really inspirational to me. You always seemed so confident and so talented at everything you did. I wished I could be like you." Maki didn't know what to say, so she started to walk faster. Kotori was still holding her hand, and it felt a bit more awkward.  
  
She continued to walk, heady with anxiety. The road continued without any branches for a while, or so she remembered. It was too dark to see anything apart from the circles of light painted with their flashlights, pointing ahead to make sure they don't step off a cliff. The air was getting colder, and even through her jacket Maki felt chills as the breeze passed around her. She could see her breath form little white clouds. Once in a while she glanced at Kotori, the latter looking like an apparition in the darkness, a ghostly figure illuminated from the front.  
  
"Really, though, why did you come here? Who were you going to visit?" Maki's voice sounded cacophonous amidst the silence.  
  
Kotori ignored the question, and pulled Maki closer. Maki felt warmer, but her mind was even more clouded by anxiety. What was Kotori thinking? Could she really have come all the way here just for her? What would that mean, even? Maki pondered hypotheticals, while trying to suppress any hope she had. Did Kotori notice that she was playing with her hair again?  
  
"Look, there's another fork ahead. Which way do we go now?" Kotori's words brought Maki back to the reality that she had no idea where they were.  
  
"Um, do you have your cell phone?"  
  
"Yeah. I charged it on the plane."  
  
"Oh thank god." Maki took Kotori's cell phone and opened the maps app. Of course the GPS was working; this wasn't the actual wilderness. "Um, it says the park exit is to the right, and I think the place is just outside the park exit, so, do you want to walk around some more or just stop here?"  
  
"Let's keep on going. It hasn't been so long."  
  
"Okay. There's a trail around here. Do you want to take it?"  
  
"Sure!"  
  
They had only walked five miles, but to Maki it felt longer. It was mostly steep uphills, but still. She was really out of shape. Kotori seemed even more fit than back in high school. She was probably exercising. Why did everyone seem to have their lives in order except her?  
  
The trail wound against the side of a hill,  with woods on one side and an open expanse on the other. The first part was paved, which was nice. There was enough light to make out the outlines of power pylons in the distance, and more hills and mountains beyond. If they had gone here while there was still daylight, it would have been so beautiful. Maki wished they could have seen the green rolling hills, the trees and lake and blue sky, the warm glow of the sun on a cool day. But this wasn't so bad either. She was here with her friend, and no one else, in a place isolated from all the troubles that plagued her. So why did Maki feel like she was about to cry?  
  
"Um, Maki? I feel like there's something you've been wanting to talk about." Kotori slowed down and tugged at Maki's hand.  
  
"Huh? Um, no, not really." Maki turned away from Kotori. "Why would you think that?"  
  
"It's because, well, I can't really say. It's just that I feel like you're holding on to something."  
  
"It's the first time we meet in years and you want to hear me complain? Really? Why don't you go first?"  
  
"No, it's fine." Kotori leaned her head against Maki, and stopped talking. Maki regretted her outburst. Why was it so hard for her to just speak honestly? Why did the other girl have to be so nice towards her? What was Kotori really thinking, beneath her ever-present smile? Maki pushed these questions aside, and held on tighter to Kotori's hand. It was enough that they were together at this moment. Everything else could wait.  
  
The trail was approaching the top of a ridge. There were no trees around anymore, just the outlines of shrubs and bushes and grass. Past the hill patches of lights shone beyond a black expanse. Was it San Francisco? Maki had lost all sense of direction. She couldn't think of anything except for the woman beside her, leaning way too close.  
  
"Do you want to stop here?", Kotori asked. "I'm getting a little tired."  
  
"Yeah, sure. Did you want to keep going or just stay here for the night?"  
  
"Let's stay here. It would be nice to see the sunrise.  
  
"Yeah. It would be."

* * *

  
  
"Look, do you think that's Santa?", Kotori asked as she pointed at the blinking lights of an airplane overhead.  
  
"Do you still think I believe in Santa? I'm 23 years old."  
  
Kotori laughed. "The more you change, the more you stay the same."  
  
"What does that even mean?"  
  
"Oh, nothing."  
  
The two of them rested on their backs on the thin mat, with a blanket draped over them. They would sleep in their clothes, but it was still cold. Kotori moved in closer, so that her whole body was touching Maki. It was strange. Everything that happened that night was surreal, as if it were happening to someone else who shared her body, as if she herself was just an observer watching someone else's life. It couldn't have been real. It couldn't have been happening to her. But what if it was? What if...  
  
"So, um, was this a date?"  
  
Kotori laughed. "Do you want this to be a date?"  
  
"Um..."  
  
"Let's think about this in the morning. I'm tired."  
  
"Okay. Thanks."  
  
Before she closed her eyes, Maki took one last glance at the sky. It was still a uniform dome of blackish gray, with thick clouds reflecting the glare of the cities beneath. She hoped it wouldn't rain. Beneath the blanket Kotori still held her hand. Maki moved free, and tears formed in her eyes. It was strange, how it all turned out. Tomorrow, things would change. Perhaps they already had.


	2. Cooking with KotoMaki

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kotori tries to help Maki cook tomatoes stir fried with eggs.

Before Kotori entered into her life, Maki had subsisted on a diet of instant ramen, takeout, and free seminar food. Now, Kotori was probably tired of Maki mooching off of her cooking. They had already gone over the rice cooker (easy enough). Now it was time for her to learn how to cook her favorite dish, tomatoes stir-fried with eggs. Kotori said that it was the simplest, most common Chinese-style dish, so it couldn't be that bad, right?   
   
"Um, that is definitely not how you crack an egg." Kotori looked horrified as she watched Maki press her thumb through the eggshell.   
   
"Then how do you do it?" Maki's face tightened up with frustration. This was getting nowhere.   
   
"Here, let me show you." Kotori took another egg from the carton. "You hit the egg against the rim of the bowl. See, like this. Then you can pull the two halves apart and let the inside fall into the bowl." Maki watched the yolk drop into the bowl, and the egg white drip from the two halves of the shell. It was too perfect, almost beautiful. Kotori picked up another egg, and did the same thing.   
   
"Okay, but why couldn't my way work as well?", Maki asked.   
   
Kotori looked personally offended by the question. She took a deep breath. "Okay. If you just use your fingers to beak the eggshell how are you going to get the egg out?"   
   
"I guess that makes sense." Maki felt pensive, contemplating the universe of eggs and how they might be successfully broken. She tried the same thing with her half-broken egg, but it could not be pulled apart.   
   
"Here, let me help you." Kotori took Maki's egg and hit it against the bowl again, and it split. It must have been magic, Maki thought.   
   
"Let's move on to the tomatoes now."   
   
It had been three months since they moved in together into a studio apartment in Berkeley. The one good thing was the price, just 700 dollars from each of them, practically a miracle anywhere in the bay area. The downsides were everything else. From the cramped space to the creaking of the bunk bed, there was something for Maki to complain about every day. Now she wanted to complain about the tiny kitchen, barely big enough for two people to stand in without touching each other. Not that she normally minded being so close to Kotori, but it wasn't a good idea when she had a knife in her hand.   
   
There were three big, red, ripe tomatoes on the cutting board. "How are you supposed to chop them?", Maki asked.   
   
"Well, there are a bunch of different ways to chop tomatoes, but we're going to cut them into eighths for this recipe. Watch me." Kotori sunk the knife into the juicy tomato, and split it from top to bottom. Next she made three cuts in one of the halves, each cut slicing off one perfectly formed wedge of tomato. "Now, do you want to try this?"   
   
"Sure." Maki picked up the knife and pressed it into the other half. The texture of the tomato felt strange under the knife. Nevertheless Maki managed to cut through, even if the slice was a bit oddly shaped, and the red juices squirted everywhere like blood in a bad movie. She finished cutting one half, if only by forcing the knife through, and moved on to another tomato.   
   
"Not bad, but it might be easier if you hold the tomato with your other hand."   
   
"But I'm afraid of cutting myself."   
   
Kotori shook her head and sighed. "If you're careful you won't cut yourself. Just make sure to keep your hand away from the path of the knife."   
   
Maki looked apprehensive. "Okay, I'll try, I guess."   
   
"I'll hold your hands."   
   
"Thanks."   
   
With Kotori guiding her hands, Maki managed to cut through the other tomatoes without hurting herself. Actually, it was mostly Kotori making the motions, putting her hands around Maki's. It was still strange to think that they were girlfriends now. Without either of them saying those words exactly, they fell into a rhythm of life. They must have gotten accustomed to each other's touch and presence. Now Kotori could hold Maki’s hand without the latter being flustered and anxious.   
   
"Now, are we ready to actually cook?", Maki asked.   
   
"Okay. Get a frying pan and put it on the stove here. Yes, that was easy enough. Now turn on the fire. No! You have to wait until the spark is lit- let me do it."   
   
Maki watched Kotori hold the knob until the blue flames were lit, and then turn the gas down slightly. She had to remember- to turn on the fire, hold the knob at that position.   
   
"Don't you use Bunsen burners in your lab?", Kotori asked, her voice tinged with a hint of frustration. "Actually, since you do science shouldn't you be good at cooking?"   
   
"Sorry. But it's like, completely different. You don't use a knife for what I do. And most of my work now is computational so I don't spend much time on the bench anymore. Now why are you so good at cooking?"   
   
"Really I'm not that good. My dad taught me. Okay, could you pour some oil onto the pan now?" Maki did as she was told- "Not too much! Okay, that's fine but next time you might want to use a measuring spoon."   
   
"What next?"   
   
"Oh no!" Kotori turned off the fire. "Usually people add garlic, but I don't like garlic so I add green onion instead. Can you get me one from the fridge?" Maki took out an onion. "No! Not that kind of onion! This!"   
   
"Sorry. I get confused because in English 'onion" means that other thing."   
   
"Yes. I know." Kotori chopped the green onion into slivers and turned on the fire again, and placed the chopped green onion into the pan. "Now, can you beat the eggs?"   
   
"What do you mean, 'beat the eggs'? Aren't they already beaten?"   
   
Kotori must have been exasperated, but she was good at not showing too much of it. "No. Take a pair of chopsticks and stir. You want to break the yolk and mix it thoroughly."   
   
Maki threw her frustration onto the eggs, stabbing them with the chopsticks and tearing the yolks apart. Beat the eggs, indeed. "Good," Kotori said as she glanced over. "This is what you should do." Maki might have smiled for the first time that afternoon.   
   
"Now pour the eggs into the pan." Maki did as Kotori said, using chopsticks to get the last drops out. "Thanks. Now, you can wait for a bit to let the egg solidify and then start stirring."   
   
The yellow pool on the bottom of the pan bubbled and swirled. The proteins must have been denaturing from the heat which caused them to solidify. Suddenly high school chemistry made a bit more sense to Maki.   
   
"Now, stir with the spatula. No, not like that- I'll hold your hand."   
   
Maki was feeling hotter, from the heat of the flame and the warmth of Kotori's hands. They were practically pressed against each other, Kotori standing behind Maki, holding the handle of the frying pan with her left arm and the spatula with her right.   
   
"Now take the eggs out," Kotori said, almost whispering into Maki's ear.   
   
"I can't move!"   
   
"Oh. Sorry." Kotori let go of Maki and turned off the flame. "Can you move the eggs back into the bowl?"   
   
"Um..." She managed to balance the eggs on the spatula and moved them back into the bowl, barely spilling any. A small success.   
   
"Good. Now add some more oil and turn the fire back on. Just enough oil to cover the bottom of the pan- Hey, you're getting it! This is great!"   
   
Maki caught Kotori smiling at her. She wanted to get this right, to learn how to cook so that she wouldn't be the loser girlfriend any more. Kotori earned more money than her, cooked for her, did more housework than she did. This was the one chance she had to become less useless. Maybe. Or a chance to prove herself more useless than ever.   
   
Kotori added the tomatoes and green onions into the pan. "There. Now keep stirring. I think you can do this. It isn't that hard now, is it?"   
   
"No, it's not." Sure, some bits of something or another were flying out of the pan, but most of the tomatoes were still inside, and that was what really mattered.   
   
"Now I'm going to add the egg back in. Okay. I can stir. Can you add some salt?"   
   
Maki handed the spatula over and looked for the salt. She took a jar of the only thing that looked like salt and poured it over the pan.   
   
"No! That's sugar!" Kotori pushed Maki's hand away, spilling some of the sugar onto the countertop. Maki groaned, but silently. Of course, she would make the most basic mistake possible. "But, I mean, some sugar is fine too, I guess. Some recipes add sugar in this but you poured way too much."   
   
Kotori picked up the salt herself and sprinkled it over the tomatoes. Maki noted what the salt container looked like. Odors rose from the pan, suffusing the air with delicious smells. Her mouth was already watering.   
   
"We're almost done now. Get me a plate. There." Maki watched as Kotori picked up the pan and poured its contents onto a plate, not spilling a single bit. "Now will you take the first bite? No, don't use the chopsticks you used for the eggs- you could get salmonella!"   
   
Maki was hopeless today. She picked up a clean pair of chopsticks and took a bite of tomato. "It's good! Um, but maybe a bit too sweet?"   
   
Kotori took a bite herself, and smiled. "Yes. It's pretty good. Just remember that with this kind of cooking, you can get a lot of things wrong and it will still taste alright."   
   
"Ha. That's really funny. I'll get the rice." The rice cooker had been done for a while, but it was still steaming hot as Maki shoveled it onto two bowls. The meal was ready as the two sat on stools in front of the countertop. It was too bad they didn't have space for a real dining table, but now Maki recognized the advantage of having fewer surfaces to clean.    
   
"So will you be able to cook sometimes from now on?", Kotori asked.   
   
"Um, I can try."   
   
"Just kidding. I'll keep on teaching you for as long as you want."   
   
"As long as I want?"   
   
"Well, maybe until you can do it by yourself."   
   
They ate in silence, both hungry after their escapade. It might have been the first meal Maki ever cooked for herself (even if she did have ample assistance), and it was pretty good, better than what she had feared. There were no kitchen fires, no explosions, and the smoke alarm didn't even ring. That was what she called a successful day in the kitchen.   
   
"Now, who will do the dishes?" Kotori grinned as she looked at Maki.   
   
"Um, we've already had one lesson in domesticity today. Do we really need another one?"   
   
Kotori held Maki's hand and moved her face closer. "Pretty please?"   
   
"Ugh. Okay, fine. But we're using the dishwasher."   
   
“Don’t forget to wipe the countertops.”


	3. Birthday in America

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maki's birthday in America, when her old friends in Muse decide to visit.

Everything was going to hell.  
   
Maki Nishikino looked at herself in the mirror, and barely recognized the woman staring back at her. It wasn't just the giveaway Cal Golden Bears sweatshirt and faded jeans, clothes she wouldn't have been caught dead in a couple of years ago. It wasn't the bags beneath her eyes, or the uncombed mess of her hair, or the scowl she had on her face. No, it was everything about her combined, as if she had aged twenty years, as if all the life fluids she once had were being squeezed out. Monday mornings on four hours of sleep did that to you.  
   
She had forgotten that her qualifying exams were on her birthday, in three days. It was the worst birthday present she ever received, counting the ant farm. She had to practically memorize at least a dozen papers, and answer any esoteric questions a coterie of professors could throw at her. If she failed, well, she would have just one more chance until her life as she knew it would be over. Her brief career as a graduate student and scientist-in-training would come to an end, and she would be thrown back out into the vagaries and vicissitudes of "real life." That would be terrible, which was why she had to prepare, and why she stayed up until four AM last night (morning?). She should have known what was coming in the morning, but the dead of night had a will of its own. She should have learned from the past few weeks or months or years, but she never did.  
   
And there was Kotori. Yes, Kotori her girlfriend who had already put up with so much from her for no good reason only to get back this mess of a human being. Kotori with whom she had shared this tiny studio apartment for more than a year now, who slept at 10 PM and woke up at 6 AM every day, who would get ready for work as Maki hid with her laptop under her blanket desperately coding for the last eight hours, who made at least twice as much as Maki, who was the reason they could even afford this apartment. This morning Kotori had already left to go to her startup job in San Francisco. It was like every other morning for her.  
   
Today was a meeting with her advisor, which was the only reason Maki got up before noon. She splashed some cold water on her face, but she didn't feel much more awake. After having her coffee and eating a banana and a slice of toast, she left her house and walked down to campus. It was a gray morning, like every single morning in Berkeley. The hills along the route felt steeper than usual. The streets were quiet; the undergrads must have been still in bed.  
   
It was during her walk that her phone started to vibrate.  
   
"Hello?", she tried to say without sounding too annoyed. Who the hell would call at eight in the morning?  
   
"Hey, Maki! It's been a super long time! How are you doing?" It was an energetic voice speaking in Japanese. Maki shook the phone and looked at the screen. She didn't recognize the number. Wait...  
   
"Honoka? Is that you?"  
   
"Yay! I'm so glad you remembered! I was afraid you'd have forgotten by now. Anyway, we're going to San Francisco this week for your birthday! You and Kotori are living together now, right? We can have our reunion! All nine of us together again, how about that? Won't that be something special?"  
   
"Wait, what? How can you just decide to come here?"  
   
"Um, sorry for not talking to you earlier," said another voice. It must have been Hanayo. "But is it okay with you two? Sorry, Honoka just decided this a few days ago and we already bought plane tickets."  
   
"Sorry, but I have my qualifying exam that day. Go play in San Francisco by yourselves. Maybe we can do something the day after."  
   
"Um, okay, sorry! We'll be staying for four days so we can still do something! Let's decide that later." There was static as if the phone is being thrown around. "(hey, Nico, don't just take the phone! No- you-) We'll see you soon!"  
   
Maki hung up. It was strange how her past had a habit of catching up to her at the most inappropriate moments. But perhaps she shouldn't have been surprised. She knew Kotori was still talking to her old friends, even if Maki was forever reluctant to join in. In America, Maki hadn't spoken about her high school life to anyone, not that anyone would care to listen. She thought that past was behind her now. First of all, it was unbefitting of a scientist to be an idol of any kind. Second of all, she was honestly sort of embarrassed about the whole thing, and Maki was not one to forget her embarrassing moments. Third of all, she worried that her friends would feel that she had abandoned them. It was true that she hadn't taken any initiative to talk to the others after their disbanding. She had always been bad at talking to people in any situation, and the distance made it all worse.  
   
But here they were, calling her out of the blue. Probably they had called Kotori long before. And of course Kotori would have said nothing to her.  
 

* * *

  
   
"Your girlfriend called me actually. She said you needed a personal day this Friday, and I agree with her. Let's move the quals back by a week."  
   
Maki's advisor was a serious-looking woman named Alice Zhang. She was an assistant professor not much older than Maki herself, a servant at the altar of tenure, and she had a habit of leaving her lab coat on as she left for the train station after spending ten hours in the lab. While she was never rude to Maki, unlike some professors, she had always expected much of her students, which was why it was such a surprise that she would ever let Maki off like this.  
   
"Wait... she called you? Really?"  
   
Alice laughed. "Yes! She said that you haven't been taking care of yourself lately, and she was worried about your health. So nice of her to care so much about you, don't you think?"  
   
Maki felt like blushing. Then she felt a strange mix of embarrassment and anger. How dare Kotori imply that she couldn't take care of herself? Why did Kotori have to interfere in her life, as if she was her mother or something? And now her advisor knew way too much about her personal life than was necessary.  
   
Alice continued. "Anyway, you still have to prepare for the presentation and read all the papers, but for now you should just keep working on the project. And you can take it easy for a while, but not too easy."  
   
"Um, thanks."  
   
Mai went back to her desk in the lab. Her project now was mostly computational data analysis, which was not what she had signed up for. Thankfully the others in the lab were more than willing to help her, even after a few weeks or months of her refusing all help.  
 

* * *

  
   
There was some sort of tension in the apartment that night, Maki felt. Neither of them were ever people who could state their feelings outright, but that night was worse than usual, as if both of them had put up their mental walls even higher than usual. Before Kotori had arrived home Maki had already started preparing their meal. Surprisingly enough this was an act of passive-aggression, since Kotori actively tried to exclude Maki from the kitchen most of the time. Maki thought that their cooking lessons last year had gone well, but apparently Kotori was never satisfied.  
   
"Oh, you don't have to cook! I can take it from here," Kotori said as soon as she took off her shoes.  
   
"I can handle it today. Thanks for calling my advisor by the way."  
   
"Oh, I'm sorry about that..."  
   
"What's there to be sorry about? It's just a good thing she's a nice person."  
   
"Yeah... I didn't know if I should have said that I was my girlfriend. She asked me first."  
   
Of course Kotori wouldn't know that Alice was married to another woman and they were even having a baby. But even so Maki had never been comfortable talking about her personal life with her, or with anyone for that matter.  
   
"I guess it all turned out fine." Kotori didn't interrupt Maki's cooking anymore.  It was hard for Maki to stay actively upset at Kotori for a long time. Her soft voice always managed to soothe Maki's heart. And she genuinely meant well. Nevertheless, there was always a kernel of resentment within Maki.  
   
Maki felt that Kotori felt that the were cut too thick, the rice too dry. But at least she was eating, so there was no point talking about it. It was easy to make this dish not taste horribly, which of course was why Maki made it.  
   
"Did you know that Honoka and the rest of them were coming here?", Maki asked.  
   
"Yeah. Sorry, I should have told you earlier. We wanted a surprise birthday party, but once I knew you had your exams,..."  
   
"So I told them. Maybe you can tell them that the exam was moved?"  
   
"Why don't you tell them?"  
   
"Because it would be awkward!"  
   
Kotori sighed. "Alright. I'll call Honoka."  
   
"Sorry."  
   
"No, it's fine."  
 

* * *

  
   
There were only two days until her birthday, two days until they would arrive, two days until either the best or worst day of her life. Maki tried to focus on her work, but it was difficult. She tried to push everything out of her mind except strings and RNA structure, but she could not keep the impending party or gathering or whatever it was out of her mind. It made her nervous and anxious, even more so than usual. Worries bubbled up in her mind as she tried to debug her scripts without success. It had been a long time since one of those days.  
   
Before she met Kotori again she thought that she had gotten used to being alone. After moving in together, she had adjusted to the rhythms of her new life with a speed that alarmed even her. Was she taking Kotori for granted? Probably. Honestly she was the worst girlfriend and wondered why Kotori would ever stay with someone like her. She hadn't improved herself after they started dating. She became complacent, remaining the same or regressing further into childishness, and she was dragging Kotori down along with her. And what would the others think once they see what a pathetic person she had become? What a pathetic person she always was? Time to list all the things she hated about herself. Arrogance. Selfishness. Refusing to ask for help even as she completely relies on others. Endless rumination and self-pity.  
   
"Huh. It worked."  
   
It was strange how the little things could leave her feeling so much better, but the lack of an error message on the terminal dispelled most of her self-doubts, at least for a short while. Now she had to check that the results actually made sense. Of course they didn't, and Maki's mood sunk once again. She wondered if a career in science really was for her. She still had no publications since she was an undergrad. And if science was not for her, then what was? It wasn't as if she was good at anything else.  
 

* * *

  
   
Her birthday was in one day and next week was quals. She repeated her calendar to herself, as if just knowing the dates would make it easier to deal with. On the day before they arrived Kotori and Maki had spent all evening preparing snacks and a meal for them. Kotori wanted them to visit the apartment, even though they would have to squeeze to fit inside. Maki thought that was a bad idea, but she didn't disagree. She was so, so tired.  
   
Kotori woke her up early on the fated day, not that she was able to sleep at all. She was nervous, her mind churning through all the ways everything could fail and ruin her forever, all the ways her true self could be revealed for the pathetic mess it was. When Kotori kissed her, her doubts faded as she let her mind be overcome, but it only lasted for a moment. She was too tired for this, for everything.  
   
The sun was just barely out when they left, the sky a lighter shade of gray. The station and the trains were mostly empty, as it was only one of the first few trains of the day. It was an hour until they would arrive, ample time for Maki to stew in her insecurities.  
   
"It's going to be fine," Kotori said, even as Maki said nothing for the whole train ride. Maki was not fine, but she was not in the mood to talk, as her mind was twisted into knots of anxiety. What would she say when she met them? What if after this time they all changed? Would her old friends despise her for abandoning them? Would they still even feel anything after all this time? And what would Kotori think, if her reunion went wrong because of her? She wanted to see them, right?  
   
The flight from Japan was the only international flight arriving around that time. Maki and Kotori watched as passengers emerged in clumps. Just as Maki yawned and closed her eyes, she felt the force of a hug-tackle from the back.  
   
"Maki! Kotori! We're so glad to see you! Happy birthday Maki!"  
   
"Hey! Don't surprise me like that!" Rin was still the same excitable little furball. And out came Hanayo, Honoka, Umi, Eli, Nozomi, and Nico giving some sort of glare from the back. Everyone had changed, but somehow they had all stayed recognizable. Honoka ran up to hug Kotori, and Umi followed her, shouting to not trip. Hanayo gave Maki an awkward hug, and then came hugs with Eli and Nozomi and Nico. "Wow it's been so long, how are you?" "Um, fine, I guess?" "Happy birthday!" "Um, thanks." More hugs. Laughter. Smiles all around. Everyone was the same (except her). It was if nothing had changed, except her, as if the intervening years hadn't passed, as if it was only a moment since they last met. Maki's sleepiness mixed with her anxiety, making her head light and her heartbeat rise. Smile, Maki, she tried to remind herself. Remember how to speak. Pretend to be human.  
   
"Don't forget we still need to get our luggage!", Eli shouted over the din of the reunion.  
   
"So, do you guys have a hotel?", Maki asked, as they waited at the carousel. Think, Maki. Just say something.  
   
"Um, no, haha," Honoka said while rubbing her head. "I thought we could stay at your place."  
   
"Are you fucking serious?"  
   
"Um, yeah... haha. It's America so you all have big houses, right?"  
   
Maki glared at Honoka, and then looked over at Kotori, who just shrugged.  
   
"Honoka I *told* you we should have asked!", Umi yelled. "I just hope it's not too late to get enough hotel rooms."  
   
"AirBnB might still be fine?"  
   
"Or we could just sleep on the streets! Like in that one movie!"  
   
"No, are you kidding? God, why did we let Honoka plan this?"  
   
In the midst of the accusations, Kotori raised her voice. "It's not so bad. Our apartment can probably only hold two more people. At most three. We could decide this later but it will be fine."  
   
"Thanks, but we need a place to store the luggage now," Umi said. "How far away is your house, anyway?"  
   
"An hour by train," Maki said. "Let's just get the hotel rooms now."  
   
Fortunately there were open rooms in some cheap motels close to the airport (relatively cheap for San Francisco of course). Maki almost worried that they wouldn't have enough US dollars, but thankfully that wasn't a problem.  
   
Now they had to plan what to do. The Golden Gate Bridge! Chinatown! Unfortunately none of them knew any other places in San Francisco. Kotori started listing off the typical tourist traps: Golden Gate Park, Fisherman's Wharf, and so on. What about Berkeley? How would they get anywhere? Did they rent a car? No, of course they didn't. What was the point when Uber existed? Everyone was shouting. Maki's head was hurting as she fought to stay conscious through this mess.  
   
"What do you want to do, Maki?", Hanayo asked as everyone else shouted over her. Eyes turned toward Maki.  
   
"Huh? Oh, um, anything's fine."  
   
"But it's your birthday! You should decide!"  
   
"Sorry, I really have no idea..."  
   
"Sorry, maybe we this was a bad time, maybe we can do something tomorrow-"  
   
"No, it's fine. You guys can decide where to go. I've been to most of these places anyway."  
   
Why did they look at her like that, Maki wondered. Why did they look at her with such concern when they didn't give a fuck about her when she needed them the most- no, that was wrong, she was the one who abandoned them, she was the one who conveniently forgot all about her old friends and acted as if they didn't exist, as if she had been alone for her entire life.  
   
"How about we head over to our apartment first?", Kotori suggested. "Maki didn't sleep much last night."  
   
"No, I'm not that tired, you don't have to-"  
   
"It's fine! Maki, it's your birthday. You can do whatever you want."  
   
"Yeah! What do you want to do, Maki?"  
   
Maki's headache was getting worse and worse. The airport was getting more and more crowded. Noise. Voices. People. They were looking at her, her old friends, staring at her as if attempting to tear away the shrouds that she surrounded herself with. She glanced at Kotori, as she stood smiling and chatting with Umi and Honoka. *Save me*, Maki wanted to say. For whatever reason she felt like crying. She could feel the tears gather up in her eyes. As if anything could make this more embarrassing.  
   
"Are you okay, Maki?"  
   
"Of course I'm fine! It's just-"  
   
Her head grew lighter. The lights grew brighter. Ideas and images and words floated through her thoughts, streams of paper and pictures and faces and gay shit and code and computers and molecules and people and everything swirling and colliding, guilt and anxiety and despair and loneliness and all those garbage emotions that she had no right to feel, her empty shell of a self hurtling towards an empty future. Somehow it all came together, becoming one convoluted vortex of everything that was wrong with her. And in the end, there was nothing, just the lights above, getting brighter and brighter as her thoughts faded away. It was sort of ridiculous. Was that how it would feel to die?  
 

* * *

  
   
Maki Nishikino woke up to the smell of Febreze and broken dreams. It was a familiar odor, dank in a not-quite-comforting way, accompanied by the creaking of the springs of her bed as she turned, the sirens of a distant ambulance, and shuffling footsteps, more footsteps than usual.  
   
"Is she awake?"  
   
Maki's eyes opened to a familiar view. She was home, for whatever reason. Kotori stood over her, and there were two others at the counter. She was still tired, and she closed her eyes once more.  
   
"It's okay, Maki," Kotori said.  
   
"What's okay..." Maki's voice slurred as she tried to either wake up or go back to sleep. More creaking from the bed.  
   
"You must have been really tired!" Was that Rin's voice? Funny how Maki could still tell it was hers.  
   
"Sorry..." Hanayo's soft voice, still recognizable. "It was our fault. If we had known you were so tired we could have done something else."  
   
"Sorry..." Maki repeated. She remembered fragments of dreams, or were they dreams? Memories of more trains, taxis, clouds and fog breaking to let the blue sky shine through to the bay. She remembered what happened in the airport, and she wanted to cry. She hadn't cried in what must have been years. But then she remembered that she had her quals next week. Oh god it was time to study-  
   
"Are you feeling better now?", Kotori asked.  
   
"Huh? Oh." Maki was awake, sort of. "Not really. Well, maybe a little bit." And then Maki started to cry. The worst part of it was how embarrassing it all was. Had she ever cried in front of her girlfriend (possibly soon-to-be ex-girlfriend) before? Had anyone in Muse seen her cry, even back in high school? She was ashamed, and tried to cover herself up beneath her blanket, and curl up in a ball and lie there until the sun swallowed up the Earth.  
   
Despite Maki's attempts to teleport to Venus she felt Kotori's very earthly hands on her side. "Hey, Maki, do you want to talk about anything?"  
   
Through her sobs Maki barely managed to get two words out. "Do... you?"  
   
"Maybe now's not a good time."  
   
Maki felt her heart sink. It was going to be *that* conversation. She wanted to turn herself into an ant right there and then. No, if it was going to be *that*, it had better come now, at her lowest point. She couldn't sink any lower if she fell into the Marianas Trench. So she turned around and faced Kotori, tears still dripping, and grasped her hand. "Tell me," Maki said, her voice trembling like she was in some soap opera.  
   
Kotori shook her head and grinned ever so slightly. She spoke with the voice of an elementary school teacher. "No, it's not what you're thinking. I'm not going to break up with you."  
   
Any semblance of dignity Maki once had collapsed with Kotori's words. She laughed, while her tears still flowed, a laugh tinged with bitterness and anxiety like everything else she did.  
   
"It's just that I feel like neither of us are good at talking to each other," Kotori began, resuming her normal, non-elementary-schoolteacher voice. "Maybe if we tried to understand each other better, it wouldn't have come to this. Right? And, you can talk to me about your problems sometimes. Maybe I could help you, maybe we could find other people who could. Mind-reading only works on special occasions."  
   
Maki embraced Kotori, pulling her down to the bed. Still laughing, still crying, Maki simply held Kotori in her arms, as Kotori returned the hug.  
   
"I'm so sorry... so sorry...", Maki whispered. "It's fine, it's fine," Kotori whispered back. "Everything will be alright."  
   
"Are you two done being dramatic now?", Rin said, gazing at the two of them from the counter.  
   
"Huh? Oh." Maki had forgotten that there were two other people in the room. Kotori let go of Maki and stood up, leaving Maki to hit herself against the upper bed as she inexpertly maneuvered her tired body.  
   
"Where is everyone else?", Maki asked.  
   
"They're wandering around not too far from here," Hanayo replied. "We've all been worried sick about you. By the way, we have two rented cars so we can go anywhere you want. Um, but you don't have to do anything if you don't want to!"  
   
"How about Muir Woods? I've heard interesting things but haven't been there ever."  
   
Rin grinned. "I'm so glad you're alright, Maki! I don't know where that is but it sounds fun!"  
   
Kotori gave Maki another, gentler hug, and then Rin and Hanayo did the same. Maki's tears were beginning to dry. She still had grad school, still had her quals, still had her all-nighters filled with inevitable frustration in the weeks, months, and years to come. But somehow it didn't feel as daunting as it once did. Perhaps this feeling would only be temporary, and she would return once more to the crushing grasp of despair.  
   
"By the way, happy birthday."  
   
"Happy birthday, Maki."  
   
"Happy birthday! Remember that we still care about you!"  
   
Maki smiled. Even if the feelings she had this moment disappeared, something of it would still remain. Perhaps as a salve to tide her over in trying moments, a reminder that she could still be loved. Perhaps as a bitter memory of all that she had thrown away, a reminder that she had forsaken those she loved. But that future was far away, hidden beyond an impenetrable haze. Now, she washed her face, and accompanied by her two old friends and her (it never stopped sounding strange) girlfriend, she left for what could still yet be the most interesting birthday she ever had.


End file.
